Oh, for the love of all that is good and right in the world, would somebody please find that I was adopted? I refuse to believe that I am genetically related to certain people.
Things at my mom's house wrt the bathroom are the same as previously blogged, i.e., nothing has changed. I have recently had two quality arguments with one brother each about the situation. For those who have just joined us (and this is covered in the linked post), Bro #1 (of 5) very kindly offered to redo my mother's bathroom. That bathroom was very old (possibly original to the house) and had major leakage. Bro #1 gutted the bathroom and removed 1/2 the kitchen ceiling (the kitchen is under the bathroom; the leakage had ruined a chunk of the kitchen ceiling) on Labor Day. Of last year. As in Labor Day, 2007. And that, dear readers, is where things stand today.
Now, it wouldn't be so bad if my mother had another bathroom to use. And technically, she does have a bathroom she could use. Thing is, that bathroom (which is also overdue for remodeling, but is not as bad as the other one) has a shower, toilet and sink. It does not have a tub. My mother is 82 yo and, like many of her age, she does not do showers. I don't know if she's ever taken a shower. In any event, she doesn't like them and she doesn't take them. So, you ask, if she hasn't had a bathtub since September, 2007, where has she been bathing? The unhappy answer is that she's been 'bathing' at the other bathroom's sink. For 13 months now.
Sooooo. Two weeks ago today, I was visiting my mom (she's in CT). Bro #1 stopped by to drop off something for my mom. I asked him if we could talk about the bathroom. Long story short: it turned into an argument. I was unhappy that it became an argument bc my mother (who values non-confrontation above seemingly all else) had asked me to give Bro #1 another chance to finish the bathroom before calling in the contractor and to also avoid family tension in any discussions I had with him. I failed miserably at that second part seeing as I allowed our discussion to develop into an argument, in my mother's house no less. Of course, it takes two to have such a quality argument so it's obvs not my fault entirely, but I did not need to respond in the same manner as Bro #1.
Bottom line: Bro #1 says he'll do it already. I apparently don't understand that things come up and that if not for those things he would have had it done already. I also have 'no sense about money and never have.'
Well, that set me off. First, he has no idea wrt my current finances or financial history. How could he? That stuff's private (as I believe it should be; generally, I think little good comes of friends, acquaintances, co-workers and, yes, even family - perhaps esp. siblings - being privy to one another's financial situation) and I've certainly never shared that info with him. Second, this remark was in reply to the news that two other brothers and I want to hire a contractor. Apparently, I have no sense about money bc I want to hire a contractor to finish the bathroom. I'm sure there are other reasons why he thinks I have no sense about money, but, fortunately, he did not elaborate on them. So yeah, I have this crazy idea about hiring an experienced contractor to do a 5-day job that he hasn't been able to finish in 13 months.
Now, it's not like he would have to pay for this contractor. The plan was (read on to find out why I use the past tense) that Bros #2 and 3 and I (and our families) would pay for it. But he seems to reserve the right to reject the idea of bringing in a contractor whom he would not pay. He had the nerve to say that this was the first time he'd heard about anyone being interested in helping with the bathroom. Factoid: At least Bro #2 and I have been discussing the possibility with him since mid-April. When called on that, he amended his claim to be that this was the first time he'd heard of the amount of the chosen contractor's bid. Why that matters to him, I have no idea. Another example of him controlling the decision to bring in a contractor. Bc he thinks it's too high a bid (and we all think it's quite reasonable and we have favorable references from friends and neighbors of 30+ years about him), he won't allow us to hire him.
Long story short: Bro #1, my mother and I (on behalf of myself and Bros #2 and 3) agreed that, if Bro #1 has not gotten a fully functional toilet, bathtub/shower and sink in the bathroom by October 31st (Uh oh! Perhaps I should have specified 'of this year'.), then we can hire the contractor to finish the job. I later emailed Bros #2 and 3 about this agreement, especially bc I had agreed to it on behalf of the three of us. I wanted them to let me know if they had any problems w/the agreement. Bro #2 is fine with although he did caution me not to be surprised if my mother declines to keep up her end of the bargain, i.e., that she'll cave and give Bro #1 more time. Bro #3 doesn't reply.
I'm at my mother's this past Friday and Bro #3 comes home from work. I ask him about it. Result: another argument. Turns out Bro #3 isn't 'concerned about cosmetic things'. I disagreed that the current mess is a 'cosmetic' thing; he replied with 'Okay, so I'm not concerned about eyesores.' Well, okay, the mess is assuredly an eyesore, but it's quite a bit more than that. I consider it a functional deficiency and a rather glaring one at that. He also doesn't see anything wrong with my mother having to bathe at the sink bc she hasn't made a fuss about it. As a friend put it, these guys don't know how mothers work. And besides, it's not like my mother has any leverage in the situation. She can't afford to hire someone, so she does not have the option of saying to Bro #1 anything like 'I would like you to finish the bathroom by such and such date or I will hire someone.' So she essentially is stuck with what she's got. Bro #3 also thinks that I'm 'standing over Bro #1 with a whip', rushing him to finish. Well, hell, someone's gotta get this thing moving. #3 doesn't want to 'rush' #1 bc #1 has such a busy life.
Now, these brothers are not particularly stupid. In fact, #3 is in Mensa. But they seem to be markedly lacking in other areas. Bro #3 (and #4; they're 46 47 and 47 48, respectively*) both live at home. My mother still does their freaking laundry. And #3 isn't concerned about my mother's bathing situation? He's always been an odd egg and I actually wouldn't be surprised if he had autism or Asperger's. In fact, I would welcome the news bc it would certainly explain a lot. Bro #1 is also very Spartan in his preferences. And that's their prerogative. I asked them to consider the situation from Mom's perspective. Bro #1 grudgingly admitted that it's not ideal. Bro #3 figures that since my mother hasn't made a fuss about it (cf the business above about her not being in a position to make a fuss), then she's okay with it.
*There are entirely too many of them; I have some suggestions around that.
I simply cannot understand how these two can actually believe that there's nothing really wrong with the situation. And I do think they truly believe that. To me, it's very clear that the thing to do is get the bathroom remodeling and kitchen ceiling fix done already.
I asked my mother recently what she would like to spend the rest of her days doing, e.g., what would an ideal day for her be? Her answer was very simple: Get up. Have a cup of tea and some breakfast. Go for a walk. Have another cup of tea. Once 'the boys' (!) are off to work, she'll have a bath. Then she'll do some laundry. Have lunch. Read. Sew. Or perhaps some other hobby. Watch the evening news. Have dinner. Another cuppa. Maybe read a little more. Go to bed.
She doesn't ask for much and, quite frankly, I believe her six kids have a responsibility to make it possible for her to have as many of these days as possible. We should be making her life easier, not harder. We should be giving to her, not taking from her. She shouldn't be doing anybody else's laundry, for goodness sake (although as long as those guys still live there I expect she'll do their laundry; someone once suggested that it's an Irish mother thing).
Where things stand: The 10/31 deadline is still in force. She says she'll stick to the agreement. Obvs, I won't hold #3 to the agreement, i.e., I don't expect him to contribute to contractor costs if he disagrees with an agreement that would lead to hiring a contractor. I have promised my mother to not bring it up with the others during any intervening visits, so as to avoid unnecessary conflict.
As always, a cheezburger cat says it all:
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