I've Had A Few

A few months ago, Kevin and I invited someone to be our temporary houseguest.  Background: I met him at work; he's a patron.  He's also an electrician.  We had been looking for an electrician to do some odds and ends electrical work in our house.  We'd had some remodelling done a few years ago and the contractor left a bunch of little things, some electrical, unfinished.  How freaking annoying.  Anyway, he did a bunch of stuff for us and we were happy with his work.

It seemed to us like he'd fallen on hard times.  He lived in a motel.  He needed back surgery (not the incapacitating-for-weeks, in-traction kind), but didn't have insurance (although he does have a full time job as an electrician there's no insurance involved).  He was on pain meds for the back pain but didn't have insurance for that either.  He didn't have a car, although he did drive his boss's van (although he couldn't drive it for personal use except to get to and from work).  A few other problems added to his bleak situation.

He finally had the surgery bc the doctor told him he'd gone long enough living with it and it was getting to the point where if he didn't have it done he'd end up in a wheelchair before long.

He seemed like a decent fellow.  We both felt badly for him and we decided to ask him if he'd like to stay with us after his surgery.  He was living paycheck to paycheck.  Sometimes he was unable to pay for his pain meds.  And yes, we paid for them (and a few other things) a few times.  I know, I know, perhaps we do have the word 'SUCKA' branded on our foreheads.  We figured staying with us would allow him to not rush back to work, he wouldn't have to worry about paying the motel (and we weren't asking for rent), he'd only have to worry about his pain meds.  Basically, we figured he could rest for the two weeks the doctor suggested, then go back to work healthy and without danger of re-injuring his back bc he went back to work too soon, save some money and get himself better situated.

I don't regret the decision to offer our spare room to someone we perceived to be in need.  I do regret that we didn't go about it better.  Some lessons learned:

1. No smokers.  No ifs, ands or butts.  I don't care how little they smoke, smokers smell.  Like smoke.  And it gets everywhere.  Even though he had to smoke outside.   And our houseguest (whom I'll call 'HG') smokes a lot.  Camels.  Oofah.
2. Agree on a raison d'etre for the arrangement.  E.g., Kevin and I figured that someone in HG's position would prefer to live in a decent apartment rather than a motel and that they would use the opportunity to save some money and work toward that, among other goals.  It now appears that HG has just hung out for almost 4 months and will end up right back at a motel.  This has been frustrating for us bc, although we never expected HG to be accountable to us, it appears that he will be no better off when he leaves than when he arrived.  I.e., why should we have bothered?  In short, it seems like both parties had very different ideas of the purpose of the arrangement.  Purposes don't have to be exactly the same, but they should be compatible. 
3. Settle on an end date before anyone moves in.  I think HG would stay indefinitely if we didn't finally bring up an end date.  He does not appear to be one for planning.  AFAIK he never came up with a plan, even in his head, to make the most of temporarily free housing.  As a friend said, if she were in that situation, she would be doing something every day toward getting back on her own two feet, even something as small as telling everyone she meets that she's looking for an apartment in _________ at $X rent.  HG made some desultory searches for an apartment (once I'd brought up the idea that he has to leave sometime), but feels they all want too much in requiring first month's rent, last month's rent and security (brokered rentals also expect a month's rent to pay the real estate person, but there are plenty of non-brokered rentals around so that that fee could be avoided).  Well, those requirements are pretty standard.  I expect that HG has not managed to save up first month's rent, last month's rent and security in the time he's been here.  I am not familiar with the details of his finances, but from what he has said and what I know to be his expenses, I have no idea how he could not have saved up three months' rent.
4. Be socially compatible with each other.  This may sound a bit vague.  It might also sound a bit snobby.  I don't mean that all concerned need be in the same social group as defined by the people who study social groups.  What I do mean is that all concerned are on the same wavelength about the little things in homelife.  And there's a bit of that 'when in Rome' thing mixed in.  Furthermore, there's a bit of being more aware of what you do in someone else's home than you might be in your own home.  E.g., even if you see nothing wrong in urinating in your own backyard, do not do that in anyone else's backyard.  Do not flick your cigarette butts into Kevin's flower bed.  Especially a second time after you've witnessed Kevin cleaning them out of the flower bed.  Invest in a bathrobe; do not run between your room and the shower half-naked, especially when your host is right there.  Invest in a laundry basket of your own; do not dump out your host's laundry (clean or dirty) iot use one of their laundry baskets.  If you make coffee, do clean the pot and filter afterwards.  Do not ruin the carpet in your room (everyone has accidents and can cause the occasional stain; we're talking a path of dirt and who-knows-what-else-but-I-sure-don't-want-to-know).  Do not touch anyone else's thermostat.  Do wash your hands after using the bathroom.  Do brush your teeth.  Do try to vomit in a garbage can, a plastic bag, etc., and not on the bedclothes.  Rough estimate: if you and your potential HG agree on things like where to urinate, standards of cleanliness, basic hygiene, where to put garbage, where to vomit, etc., then you're probably socially compatible.
5. Have some way to evaluate how things are going along the way and to discuss problems.  In this situation, I might have felt more comfortable knowing that a chat was forthcoming every week (or two weeks or whatever) when I could ask questions and voice concerns.  As it was, I felt like I was nagging a 50 yo son.

I'm probably reading too many blogs written by over-educated, class-conscious liberals, but: sometimes I read over the above and I think about our situation and wonder if what I'm thinking and expecting isn't elitist.  Perhaps it's unfair to expect someone else to conform to my expectations.  Especially when they're on the receiving end of a favor.  Then I look at the dirty carpet in the guest room and realize that I'm going to have to hire someone to clean it (and hope they can) after HG leaves and that's just wrong.  It's the practice of returning the dish clean when someone gives you a pan of homebaked brownies, writ large.

Shortly after Thanksgiving, I asked HG how his apartment search was going.  Good, good.  Also, could he be out by 12/31 bc relatives were coming to visit shortly after the New Year.  Sure, he said.  He'll be out by Christmas.  I highly doubt that.  I expect that 12/31 will find me reminding him that he has to be out by the next day, him tossing his stuff into black garbage bags and heading off to a motel.

It's been uncomfortable.  I expected that, even with the best of HGs and arrangements and preparation and effort on the part of all concerned, that there'd be some discomfort.  After all, living with another can't help but produce some kind of conflict, if only minor conflict.  I'm not experiencing unbearable discomfort.  It's the kind of discomfort that comes with knowing that something's not working out, but deciding to see it through to the end anyway, even though the remaining time is a real drag.  Maybe it's like couples staying together until the kids get out of high school.  Some days, like today, I am tempted to just say, 'HG, this isn't working out.  You're going to end up back at a motel anyway, so why don't you just go now?'  Then I think, 'No, we agreed to 12/31 and even if he tries to squat his way into 2008, I'll stick to 12/31'.  Perhaps I think that so that I can feel better about how things turned out.  I also think that my asking him to leave earlier would be akin to me passing judgement on him and registering disappointment in him.

So often, when Kevin and I discuss just about any aspect of this arrangement, we end up just shaking our heads and saying 'I don't know, I just don't know'.